HAPPINESS

Aaaaahhh! Happiness.....to feel ZEN....

Being a mother and letting ourselves be happy, to think only of ourselves....hmmm, say what?

I have so much difficulty letting myself do anything for myself, by myself! And it is now getting to be such a major problem that I am hating the husband for letting himself think of himself and take time for himself. Wait a minute, I believe the word is RESPECT! He respects himself.

I think I am good at respecting others, just very bad at respecting myself.

What made my bowl overflow sort-to-speak (turning point) yesterday was hearing my husband's message on the answering machine saying he wouldn't be home for another day. He has been away for 4 days, meaning total of 5 days. Away hunting, sleeping alone, preparing meals for only himself. AAAHHH!! wow!

I did this once in 2004, I went to see my sister (have to take a plane to see her) for a week alone. No kids for her at that time and I left my 3 with the husband. It was an incredible week!

So now at the age of 40 and after feeling sad and hated by my husband for stranding me here for yet another day with the kids and their routine, and hating he for putting me in this situation. (I don't want to feel like this, I want to be happy for him...how do I do that?)..

I have decided to find something that will make me happy. I am thinking learning wise. Possibly school, but I think it might be more towards volunteering. Letting myself stay away for work would also be a good start. There are often opportunities for me to be out of town for a couple of days and I don't let myself say yes. Letting my husband start and finish jobs around the house instead of budding in and finishing them. Taking time to go for walks/jogs at night and coming home after the kids have been put to bed.

Being a better person to myself, to be better to my children and husband. Loving myself enough to let me do these things.

A work in progress!

Singing

I love to sing! It boosts my energy, charges my battery, makes me feel happy and live emotions more completely...I can go on and on...

It's in my family, my dad had a great voice and mom loved to sing and was in several different choirs throughout the years. One of my uncles travels the world on cruise ships being the entertainment with his voice and my great aunt that I took lessons from at the age of 5 did musical comedy for a while before becoming a full-time voice and piano teacher.

I took lessons for about 5 years and quit because I was fed up of the practising and mom was sick of fighting me to do it, so let me quit. (Now, being a parent I understand).

I have been in a couple of choirs throughout the years but non of them really did it for me. So after a couple of years I would quit. I took private lessons again for a while but very pricey!

I sing every day for myself or those that will put up with me (kids often tell me to shut up). And I do sing when I am asked to. I look to these occasions as a personal challenge (because I am shy and lack confidence to bolt it out there for all to hear). So I sing at funerals and weddings and stuff like that. The hardest of course are funerals and by far was my father-in-laws funeral a couple of years back. I was up above and when I saw my nieces and nephews carrying in the casket, I almost lost it! But I was so proud of myself for doing it and all of my in-laws were so thankful that I did it as well.

I would love to do something more on a regular basis with the singing but with the kids still needing me so much, and the husbands irregular work schedule, I just think it would be complicated and I don't really know if a choir would do it for me. So i wait for the invites, next up my aunt's 80th birthday in october.

Talking

I find it interesting that just now, at this moment, trying to decide how to start this off, I firgured out why a couple of my children annoy me when they talk too much........because, of course, I CAN'T TALK, when they are!!!

I just took a moment to enjoy that....

My mom is a big talker too, but unlike her, I try not to cut people off that are talking about something they are going through to talk about myself and what I have been through. That annoys me so I try not to do that.

The husband of course would say, I often cut him off, but waiting a couple of minutes for him to come out with the next sentence gets very aggravating! He is an introvert and yes I am an extravert!

I love getting to know people and talk about common interests...and in some people I do see that kind-of-scary-please-stop-talking-to-me-look, but IT'S ALL GOOD!!

The thing that is hard to control is whom you pick to talk to about what...and remembering, whom is whom. Clear or not clear? ex: I try not to talk to my mother about problems with the kids cause she will worry and drive me crazy, phoning me everyday to find out if I have looked after the problem. another ex: I try to remember to not ask the hypochondriac neighbor in the street how she is doing?...do I need to explain this one.

As a parent, I find it important to get to know the parents of the friends my children play with. For instance, the fact that my son started to curse and scream at us and was not listening to us anymore, we knew it had to do with the fact that he was spending too much time with one friend that gets away being like that with his parents.

I had a friend/co-worker tell me recently that I take up a lot of space because I offer help and am willing to do all sorts of different jobs that have nothing to do with nursing but hate having nothing to do and sit back and watch other people over piled with work. She told me that this can be disturbing to certain people. So I try to shutup but it is just not natural to me. I have also been told by another person that loves me that it is sad that I have lost my spontaneity. She said i use to be more free with my speaking, just let it out as it comes to me, But being told to watch what you say makes you stop doing that. I don't want to hurt people but sometimes people need to hear things.

IT'S ALL GOOD!!

I do have a shy side which I hope balances me out and I enjoy silence, especially the kind that happens with the 3 kids around and they are having a rare moment of playing nicely together and getting along.