Summer

YEAH! It's summer!
We decided to not sign the kids up for daycamp this year! 1st time! The kids are now 13, 11 and 9. Last year, daycamp sucked....I just didn't feel safe and happy leaving my kids there! They hated it! The outtings were always the same every year and last year one of kids got hurt by another kid and nobody did anything. They never go that often either. So the husband and I made the decision to let them stay at home and look after eachother.
Ok, so there was the day when my son had bread and only bread ....9 pieces of bread to eat in his day...we discussed the food groups and better choices he can make. No biggy...and yes of course it is hard to keep an eye on all the screen time (ipod, tv, computer and other electronic thingy) they do in a day when you are at work....
But the worst...very worst is getting 3 phone calls in a row of :  ....sniff, sniff, cry, cry....mom, the eldest just took off to walk the dog and she hid the spatula so now my , sniff sniff, cry cry, grilled cheese sandwich is burned....so what do I do mom?........
But in the long run, I still think we made the right decision! They will learn!

Did I mention that the husband was home today with the kids and I of course the "mom" still got the 3 calls at work!...oh and I also forgot to mention the 1 st call of my day was at 11am, the son calls me and tells me he has a sore tummy, so I say where is daddy, still sleeping(understand that the husband starts graveyard shift tonight, so he is still sleeping), so i say, where are your sisters, and he says , still sleeping, now I saw my son just as I was walking out the door this morning so I know he has been up for 3hrs...so I clue in.....Have you eaten your breakfast yet...no mom....ok, you have a sore tummy because you are hungry.....

Got to love them!

Dooky

Wow, it has finally happened...I got a dog! I still don't believe it and I am still asking myself if this is really what I wanted....but it has been on my mind for long enough! The husband has allergies but was willing for me to take care of it! He didn't want to come last night to see it. I brought the girls while the men stayed home and waited. I thought the dog would be a lot smaller. It is a mixture of schnauzer and maltais but it must weigh around 40 lbs! He is around 10 months old and does not BARK and is very friendly and wants to be loved! The husbands first reactions to the dog: "he is huge! he stinks and where are his eyes!"...and "yup I should have come with you honey"...oh man! The sons first words " his nails are too long"... An hour later...the husband says " he will be great to bring to the cabin"! yeah Dooky has been accepted by the husband! The previous owners obviously never took this thing on a walk...so we will work on that. To me that is the pleasure of having a dog is taking him on walks. He sleeps in his cage and of course he wasnt silent for his first night in a new house so he howled a bit and finally I let out a good loud "HEY" from my bed and silence from then on until 6:45 am. So to me that is a good night! This morning all 3 kids just wanted to pet him, feed him, love him and walk him! I don't want poop on my yard so that will be important to watch out for and open doors and that Dooky takes off...the kids aren't always very good at closing doors... I watched Marley and Me this week with the kids and still decided to get the dog... The husbands last words last night...a dog with a name like Dooky is perfect for this family! me smiling! hey Dooky welcome to the family!

paranoia!!! and other stuff

I love hearing from people...phone calls, emails, cards, skypeing..anything! I love giving people news about my life and what's new and all that stuff!! Taking the time to do this is the trick!! It is a personnal opinion on what is important to you! Your list of priorities. I don't want to be mean to anyone! I enjoy the fact that my sister took the time and effort to skype with my last night so that our children can see eachother. Yes, she forgot the 3 hours later out here part so that my son was already in bed, but she thought of us and that part was great! I enjoy the fact that I get xmas card and news from certain friends that I forget to give news to every year! I don't want to forget them. I will try better next year! I love that my cousin calls me up just to talk and find out how I am doing! I love that my sister-in-law emails me to find out how my knitting is coming along and if I need some help! Iam thoughtful in return in my own way. I think of calling my mom before going to Costco to see if she needs anything. I think of the husband and make an extra big meal so he will have a portion to eat when he gets home. I call my 80 year old aunt just to talk and find out how she is doing. I email a cousin regularly to encourage eachother in a certain equal goal...don't ask! So to get to the point...today I received an email from our neighbor at our cabin saying how they haven't heard from us since the holidays (beginning of january to be exact) and what's wrong and how come we haven't given them any news and are we mad at them.....I just get a little annoyed... If my personal priority isn't as big as this persons is to get news from me that isn't my fault. You want news come and get it!!! Email or whatever and I will be more than happy to give you news, but I just lost interest in giving you news when its total purpose would be to put a bandaid on your psychological wound! Grow up! On another note, of something else I have to get off my chest.... On Saturday, I saw an advertisement in the paper for a health clinic presentation in the mall with special interest for the elderly. So being the caring person I am!!!....I called up mom and asked her if she would like to go and that I could pick her up. Mom was very happy and said yes, I brought my second daughter along, knowing I needed to find her a new snowsuit! So we walked along through all the stands and picked up several interesting things along the way. Then mom needed to sit down, so I find her a place and bought her a coffee and one for myself and a hot chocolate and snack for the daughter. While sitting there I realize I am right in front of a great kids clothing store and go to take a look with the daughter to see if there are any sales. Well, there was a great 4,99$ per item sale, on certain things. I got 2 shirts and a pair of pants for that daughter, a shirt and a pair of pants for the other daughter and a shirt for the son! The daughter still wasn't happy enough and wanted some leggings...which just were no longer part of my budget. So I suggested perhaps grandma will get you something...she took off to go get grandma still sitting with her coffee. Grandma came in with her and asked me what she wanted. I said "mom, she is 9, I am sure she can show you" . So sure enough mom looked at the leggings the daughter showed her and said it is way too much money. and looked at me for approval, which i didnt give her, but instead said it is 2 pairs for 18 $...all I saw was my mother giving a look of I am not spending a dime today! The daughter has her head down leaving the store, looking very sad. So we leave the store to go to the car and grandma looks at the daughter and says "I don't want to you to be upset" and I look at grandma and say, I understand her being upset! You never know what to get my kids and you don't see them very often and right now you are alone with one of your grandchildren and she is showing you exactly what she wants and you say no!" You could have asked her if there was something else she wanted or offered her something else but it was a closed discussion...so you made a choice so live with the consequences which is she is UPSET! It has nothing to do with money in my moms case trust me!! So can i tell you that the drive in the car was pathetic to say the least!! I just changed the subject!! She even had the nerve to say " and what do we do for grandma?"...I didn't even know what the hell the woman wanted me or the child to say to that stupid comment... Then I had a errand to do, and the grandma and child stayed in the car for 2 minutes...when we (just the child and I) got home. The child told me that grandma asked her if papy ever gave her anything, (keep in mind papy has been dead now for 3 years!) So my mother took advantage to ask this while I was out of the car!! I am just so disgusted and don't know how to deal with this woman anymore. I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and said "I forgive you mom for not knowing how to be a grandma, I forgive you mom for your immaturity, and I forgive myself for thinking you will change someday" and after that I managed to go to moms quickly and drop off something she had asked me to do and act as if nothing happened. Well I didnt have a smile on my face and it was 2 minutes in her presence. I was the adult because knowing her she would not have called all week. Oh man! Well i feel a little better getting all of that off my chest!

I am an independant woman...or try to be!

AAAAHHHHH!!!! This is my reaction after a co-worker/friend (someone I look up to and consider in a lot of ways, independant and strong), noticed my large bruise on my arm, knowing how I got it, she commented about sharing my story with her husband and told me his comments on how dangerous it was what I did and in his opinion it was a "bêtise de femme", translation a woman's stupidity!!!!! Back up a week ago...it was snowing pretty hard and I decided to change my tires by myself. Why?...Because I like doing things like this and it was slippery as hell and I was working the next day and no the garage up the street didn't have time to do it and waiting for the husband to get home from work at 7:30 pm would mean doing it in the dark! Which to me was stupider than doing it myself! I have had to change a couple of flats myself...why?...yes I am a member of CAA, but waiting for them to show up just didn't make any sense to me! So I decided to try doing it myself! Was it hard?....yes it was exhaustingly hard but I did it....yes the car did roll off the jack and my arm happened to be in the wrong place and hence the BIG bruise on my arm. Yes it could have been a lot worse! But it wasn't. ...Did I enjoy the experience of changing tires? YES!! What have I learned?...to next time do it with the husband so he can show me how to do this properly! It took my husband 3 days to "panic" about what happened....He had to change 2 of my tires that I had put on backwards...note to self: ARROWS drawn on the tire tell you which way to put them on! ..So after the frustrating job of taking off one winter tire and putting a summer tire back on temporarily to put down the car and put in back up and so on and so on...you he was a little annoyed and realized how much energy I put into this and noticing how heavy a car is trying to jack it up and how dangerous that weight was to fall partially on my arm...I think that is when he SNAPPED! "You are going to promise me never to do this again!" he screamed....I argued back, but honey, I like doing this and will learn, ...bla bla bla.... Husband: "you are so bull headed, nothing I say will make you change your mind, so end of discussion!" Me: at first pissed for his reaction and thinking as if he likes a woman he just looks cute and has no head and does whatever the man tells her to do....then thinking, he got scared, very scared!! Me: going to husband and calmly saying..."I'm really sorry honey for scaring you, I got scared too and will try to think of the dangers before doing things!" yeah we hugged! But to be told this morning that it was woman's stupidity, just insults me completely and especially coming from her, a woman I look up to and whom has changed a flat tire by herself before....just blows me away! You never know what can happen...even being as safe as possible you can hurt yourself...I could fall down the stairs carrying a basket full of folded clothes....there wouldn't be any comment about a stupid woman's mistake there....or how about cutting your finger with a knife making supper....that is woman's work....but cause I a Woman decided to change her tires....mans work...right I get it....and who is the stupid one?...This comment comes from a man that does all the cooking (almost all) in his house....yes it still annoys me!

Moving time

So my mom is moving. She has lived in the same place for over 22 years now and decided at the age of 77 to sell her condo and move into a retirement home. Well there was one available for November and she said yes. She put her condo up for sale and sold it 10 days later!! My only sister whom lives far away chose to come out with her 10 month old and 3 year old to help with the move and also mourne in her own way moms move. Everyday this week, after leaving the kids at school I have gone to moms and we have gone through stuff and taken boxes of things to the salvation army and thrown things out that mom has not been able to. BUT...what amazed me was coming across a letter written by my father (died in 1985) in 1965 to his parents explaining his wedding to mom because his parents did not go cause they got married overseas. Every detail explained including how my mom took his breath away and a drawing of how the tables were set up...dresses mom made my sister and I as kids,....carpets handmade by my mothers mother, whom I never met....so many, many incredible things and memories. We are having a great time helping mom empty things out and the good part about all this as my sister has mentionned is that we are doing it while mom is alive and healthy. Precious moments!

HAPPINESS

Aaaaahhh! Happiness.....to feel ZEN....

Being a mother and letting ourselves be happy, to think only of ourselves....hmmm, say what?

I have so much difficulty letting myself do anything for myself, by myself! And it is now getting to be such a major problem that I am hating the husband for letting himself think of himself and take time for himself. Wait a minute, I believe the word is RESPECT! He respects himself.

I think I am good at respecting others, just very bad at respecting myself.

What made my bowl overflow sort-to-speak (turning point) yesterday was hearing my husband's message on the answering machine saying he wouldn't be home for another day. He has been away for 4 days, meaning total of 5 days. Away hunting, sleeping alone, preparing meals for only himself. AAAHHH!! wow!

I did this once in 2004, I went to see my sister (have to take a plane to see her) for a week alone. No kids for her at that time and I left my 3 with the husband. It was an incredible week!

So now at the age of 40 and after feeling sad and hated by my husband for stranding me here for yet another day with the kids and their routine, and hating he for putting me in this situation. (I don't want to feel like this, I want to be happy for him...how do I do that?)..

I have decided to find something that will make me happy. I am thinking learning wise. Possibly school, but I think it might be more towards volunteering. Letting myself stay away for work would also be a good start. There are often opportunities for me to be out of town for a couple of days and I don't let myself say yes. Letting my husband start and finish jobs around the house instead of budding in and finishing them. Taking time to go for walks/jogs at night and coming home after the kids have been put to bed.

Being a better person to myself, to be better to my children and husband. Loving myself enough to let me do these things.

A work in progress!

Singing

I love to sing! It boosts my energy, charges my battery, makes me feel happy and live emotions more completely...I can go on and on...

It's in my family, my dad had a great voice and mom loved to sing and was in several different choirs throughout the years. One of my uncles travels the world on cruise ships being the entertainment with his voice and my great aunt that I took lessons from at the age of 5 did musical comedy for a while before becoming a full-time voice and piano teacher.

I took lessons for about 5 years and quit because I was fed up of the practising and mom was sick of fighting me to do it, so let me quit. (Now, being a parent I understand).

I have been in a couple of choirs throughout the years but non of them really did it for me. So after a couple of years I would quit. I took private lessons again for a while but very pricey!

I sing every day for myself or those that will put up with me (kids often tell me to shut up). And I do sing when I am asked to. I look to these occasions as a personal challenge (because I am shy and lack confidence to bolt it out there for all to hear). So I sing at funerals and weddings and stuff like that. The hardest of course are funerals and by far was my father-in-laws funeral a couple of years back. I was up above and when I saw my nieces and nephews carrying in the casket, I almost lost it! But I was so proud of myself for doing it and all of my in-laws were so thankful that I did it as well.

I would love to do something more on a regular basis with the singing but with the kids still needing me so much, and the husbands irregular work schedule, I just think it would be complicated and I don't really know if a choir would do it for me. So i wait for the invites, next up my aunt's 80th birthday in october.