paranoia!!! and other stuff

I love hearing from people...phone calls, emails, cards, skypeing..anything! I love giving people news about my life and what's new and all that stuff!! Taking the time to do this is the trick!! It is a personnal opinion on what is important to you! Your list of priorities. I don't want to be mean to anyone! I enjoy the fact that my sister took the time and effort to skype with my last night so that our children can see eachother. Yes, she forgot the 3 hours later out here part so that my son was already in bed, but she thought of us and that part was great! I enjoy the fact that I get xmas card and news from certain friends that I forget to give news to every year! I don't want to forget them. I will try better next year! I love that my cousin calls me up just to talk and find out how I am doing! I love that my sister-in-law emails me to find out how my knitting is coming along and if I need some help! Iam thoughtful in return in my own way. I think of calling my mom before going to Costco to see if she needs anything. I think of the husband and make an extra big meal so he will have a portion to eat when he gets home. I call my 80 year old aunt just to talk and find out how she is doing. I email a cousin regularly to encourage eachother in a certain equal goal...don't ask! So to get to the point...today I received an email from our neighbor at our cabin saying how they haven't heard from us since the holidays (beginning of january to be exact) and what's wrong and how come we haven't given them any news and are we mad at them.....I just get a little annoyed... If my personal priority isn't as big as this persons is to get news from me that isn't my fault. You want news come and get it!!! Email or whatever and I will be more than happy to give you news, but I just lost interest in giving you news when its total purpose would be to put a bandaid on your psychological wound! Grow up! On another note, of something else I have to get off my chest.... On Saturday, I saw an advertisement in the paper for a health clinic presentation in the mall with special interest for the elderly. So being the caring person I am!!!....I called up mom and asked her if she would like to go and that I could pick her up. Mom was very happy and said yes, I brought my second daughter along, knowing I needed to find her a new snowsuit! So we walked along through all the stands and picked up several interesting things along the way. Then mom needed to sit down, so I find her a place and bought her a coffee and one for myself and a hot chocolate and snack for the daughter. While sitting there I realize I am right in front of a great kids clothing store and go to take a look with the daughter to see if there are any sales. Well, there was a great 4,99$ per item sale, on certain things. I got 2 shirts and a pair of pants for that daughter, a shirt and a pair of pants for the other daughter and a shirt for the son! The daughter still wasn't happy enough and wanted some leggings...which just were no longer part of my budget. So I suggested perhaps grandma will get you something...she took off to go get grandma still sitting with her coffee. Grandma came in with her and asked me what she wanted. I said "mom, she is 9, I am sure she can show you" . So sure enough mom looked at the leggings the daughter showed her and said it is way too much money. and looked at me for approval, which i didnt give her, but instead said it is 2 pairs for 18 $...all I saw was my mother giving a look of I am not spending a dime today! The daughter has her head down leaving the store, looking very sad. So we leave the store to go to the car and grandma looks at the daughter and says "I don't want to you to be upset" and I look at grandma and say, I understand her being upset! You never know what to get my kids and you don't see them very often and right now you are alone with one of your grandchildren and she is showing you exactly what she wants and you say no!" You could have asked her if there was something else she wanted or offered her something else but it was a closed discussion...so you made a choice so live with the consequences which is she is UPSET! It has nothing to do with money in my moms case trust me!! So can i tell you that the drive in the car was pathetic to say the least!! I just changed the subject!! She even had the nerve to say " and what do we do for grandma?"...I didn't even know what the hell the woman wanted me or the child to say to that stupid comment... Then I had a errand to do, and the grandma and child stayed in the car for 2 minutes...when we (just the child and I) got home. The child told me that grandma asked her if papy ever gave her anything, (keep in mind papy has been dead now for 3 years!) So my mother took advantage to ask this while I was out of the car!! I am just so disgusted and don't know how to deal with this woman anymore. I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and said "I forgive you mom for not knowing how to be a grandma, I forgive you mom for your immaturity, and I forgive myself for thinking you will change someday" and after that I managed to go to moms quickly and drop off something she had asked me to do and act as if nothing happened. Well I didnt have a smile on my face and it was 2 minutes in her presence. I was the adult because knowing her she would not have called all week. Oh man! Well i feel a little better getting all of that off my chest!

I am an independant woman...or try to be!

AAAAHHHHH!!!! This is my reaction after a co-worker/friend (someone I look up to and consider in a lot of ways, independant and strong), noticed my large bruise on my arm, knowing how I got it, she commented about sharing my story with her husband and told me his comments on how dangerous it was what I did and in his opinion it was a "bêtise de femme", translation a woman's stupidity!!!!! Back up a week ago...it was snowing pretty hard and I decided to change my tires by myself. Why?...Because I like doing things like this and it was slippery as hell and I was working the next day and no the garage up the street didn't have time to do it and waiting for the husband to get home from work at 7:30 pm would mean doing it in the dark! Which to me was stupider than doing it myself! I have had to change a couple of flats myself...why?...yes I am a member of CAA, but waiting for them to show up just didn't make any sense to me! So I decided to try doing it myself! Was it hard?....yes it was exhaustingly hard but I did it....yes the car did roll off the jack and my arm happened to be in the wrong place and hence the BIG bruise on my arm. Yes it could have been a lot worse! But it wasn't. ...Did I enjoy the experience of changing tires? YES!! What have I learned?...to next time do it with the husband so he can show me how to do this properly! It took my husband 3 days to "panic" about what happened....He had to change 2 of my tires that I had put on backwards...note to self: ARROWS drawn on the tire tell you which way to put them on! ..So after the frustrating job of taking off one winter tire and putting a summer tire back on temporarily to put down the car and put in back up and so on and so on...you he was a little annoyed and realized how much energy I put into this and noticing how heavy a car is trying to jack it up and how dangerous that weight was to fall partially on my arm...I think that is when he SNAPPED! "You are going to promise me never to do this again!" he screamed....I argued back, but honey, I like doing this and will learn, ...bla bla bla.... Husband: "you are so bull headed, nothing I say will make you change your mind, so end of discussion!" Me: at first pissed for his reaction and thinking as if he likes a woman he just looks cute and has no head and does whatever the man tells her to do....then thinking, he got scared, very scared!! Me: going to husband and calmly saying..."I'm really sorry honey for scaring you, I got scared too and will try to think of the dangers before doing things!" yeah we hugged! But to be told this morning that it was woman's stupidity, just insults me completely and especially coming from her, a woman I look up to and whom has changed a flat tire by herself before....just blows me away! You never know what can happen...even being as safe as possible you can hurt yourself...I could fall down the stairs carrying a basket full of folded clothes....there wouldn't be any comment about a stupid woman's mistake there....or how about cutting your finger with a knife making supper....that is woman's work....but cause I a Woman decided to change her tires....mans work...right I get it....and who is the stupid one?...This comment comes from a man that does all the cooking (almost all) in his house....yes it still annoys me!

Moving time

So my mom is moving. She has lived in the same place for over 22 years now and decided at the age of 77 to sell her condo and move into a retirement home. Well there was one available for November and she said yes. She put her condo up for sale and sold it 10 days later!! My only sister whom lives far away chose to come out with her 10 month old and 3 year old to help with the move and also mourne in her own way moms move. Everyday this week, after leaving the kids at school I have gone to moms and we have gone through stuff and taken boxes of things to the salvation army and thrown things out that mom has not been able to. BUT...what amazed me was coming across a letter written by my father (died in 1985) in 1965 to his parents explaining his wedding to mom because his parents did not go cause they got married overseas. Every detail explained including how my mom took his breath away and a drawing of how the tables were set up...dresses mom made my sister and I as kids,....carpets handmade by my mothers mother, whom I never met....so many, many incredible things and memories. We are having a great time helping mom empty things out and the good part about all this as my sister has mentionned is that we are doing it while mom is alive and healthy. Precious moments!

HAPPINESS

Aaaaahhh! Happiness.....to feel ZEN....

Being a mother and letting ourselves be happy, to think only of ourselves....hmmm, say what?

I have so much difficulty letting myself do anything for myself, by myself! And it is now getting to be such a major problem that I am hating the husband for letting himself think of himself and take time for himself. Wait a minute, I believe the word is RESPECT! He respects himself.

I think I am good at respecting others, just very bad at respecting myself.

What made my bowl overflow sort-to-speak (turning point) yesterday was hearing my husband's message on the answering machine saying he wouldn't be home for another day. He has been away for 4 days, meaning total of 5 days. Away hunting, sleeping alone, preparing meals for only himself. AAAHHH!! wow!

I did this once in 2004, I went to see my sister (have to take a plane to see her) for a week alone. No kids for her at that time and I left my 3 with the husband. It was an incredible week!

So now at the age of 40 and after feeling sad and hated by my husband for stranding me here for yet another day with the kids and their routine, and hating he for putting me in this situation. (I don't want to feel like this, I want to be happy for him...how do I do that?)..

I have decided to find something that will make me happy. I am thinking learning wise. Possibly school, but I think it might be more towards volunteering. Letting myself stay away for work would also be a good start. There are often opportunities for me to be out of town for a couple of days and I don't let myself say yes. Letting my husband start and finish jobs around the house instead of budding in and finishing them. Taking time to go for walks/jogs at night and coming home after the kids have been put to bed.

Being a better person to myself, to be better to my children and husband. Loving myself enough to let me do these things.

A work in progress!

Singing

I love to sing! It boosts my energy, charges my battery, makes me feel happy and live emotions more completely...I can go on and on...

It's in my family, my dad had a great voice and mom loved to sing and was in several different choirs throughout the years. One of my uncles travels the world on cruise ships being the entertainment with his voice and my great aunt that I took lessons from at the age of 5 did musical comedy for a while before becoming a full-time voice and piano teacher.

I took lessons for about 5 years and quit because I was fed up of the practising and mom was sick of fighting me to do it, so let me quit. (Now, being a parent I understand).

I have been in a couple of choirs throughout the years but non of them really did it for me. So after a couple of years I would quit. I took private lessons again for a while but very pricey!

I sing every day for myself or those that will put up with me (kids often tell me to shut up). And I do sing when I am asked to. I look to these occasions as a personal challenge (because I am shy and lack confidence to bolt it out there for all to hear). So I sing at funerals and weddings and stuff like that. The hardest of course are funerals and by far was my father-in-laws funeral a couple of years back. I was up above and when I saw my nieces and nephews carrying in the casket, I almost lost it! But I was so proud of myself for doing it and all of my in-laws were so thankful that I did it as well.

I would love to do something more on a regular basis with the singing but with the kids still needing me so much, and the husbands irregular work schedule, I just think it would be complicated and I don't really know if a choir would do it for me. So i wait for the invites, next up my aunt's 80th birthday in october.

Talking

I find it interesting that just now, at this moment, trying to decide how to start this off, I firgured out why a couple of my children annoy me when they talk too much........because, of course, I CAN'T TALK, when they are!!!

I just took a moment to enjoy that....

My mom is a big talker too, but unlike her, I try not to cut people off that are talking about something they are going through to talk about myself and what I have been through. That annoys me so I try not to do that.

The husband of course would say, I often cut him off, but waiting a couple of minutes for him to come out with the next sentence gets very aggravating! He is an introvert and yes I am an extravert!

I love getting to know people and talk about common interests...and in some people I do see that kind-of-scary-please-stop-talking-to-me-look, but IT'S ALL GOOD!!

The thing that is hard to control is whom you pick to talk to about what...and remembering, whom is whom. Clear or not clear? ex: I try not to talk to my mother about problems with the kids cause she will worry and drive me crazy, phoning me everyday to find out if I have looked after the problem. another ex: I try to remember to not ask the hypochondriac neighbor in the street how she is doing?...do I need to explain this one.

As a parent, I find it important to get to know the parents of the friends my children play with. For instance, the fact that my son started to curse and scream at us and was not listening to us anymore, we knew it had to do with the fact that he was spending too much time with one friend that gets away being like that with his parents.

I had a friend/co-worker tell me recently that I take up a lot of space because I offer help and am willing to do all sorts of different jobs that have nothing to do with nursing but hate having nothing to do and sit back and watch other people over piled with work. She told me that this can be disturbing to certain people. So I try to shutup but it is just not natural to me. I have also been told by another person that loves me that it is sad that I have lost my spontaneity. She said i use to be more free with my speaking, just let it out as it comes to me, But being told to watch what you say makes you stop doing that. I don't want to hurt people but sometimes people need to hear things.

IT'S ALL GOOD!!

I do have a shy side which I hope balances me out and I enjoy silence, especially the kind that happens with the 3 kids around and they are having a rare moment of playing nicely together and getting along.

Confidence

Yesterday, I was at my son's soccer game. The last one of the season! He scored the first goal and they won 7 -1 and then the medals were handed out...a proud moment! But that is not what I want to write about...
So a very hot and humid day it was...of course I don't want to complain...we are just starting our 3 weeks vacation and finally it is nice here! Just a little too humid for my liking!

Oh what to wear, is the famous question....oh it's only soccer so who cares? right?!

I'm looking at all these mothers (a lot of them, with defects or nasty parts like me) and still wearing very nice summer dresses or plunging V-necks or short shorts or tight on the belly and the belly jiggles through it shirts...anyway, you get the picture I am sure and here I am in my very hot but 3/4 length work-out pants (to hide the very jello jiggle legs, that dont really hide anyway, cause you can still see the jiggle and cellulite through the pants)....

And made the decision to go get me some cute clothes to wear! So today I am going shopping! We shall see, how well I do! I am going alone without children or husband! Will I be confident enough to buy the plunging V shirt ?! that is the question....by buying it I do mean wearing it as well, not just keeping it in the closet!